A War From Within
"I mean, look at her."
Words that echo inside my now empty mind. I look at the images, all the pictures that betray me and everything I believed in. Where did this begin and where will it end? I look at her and begin to compare her to me. All the things she has that I don't, everything she is that I am not, what she believes in that I don't.
"Thank you for being such a good friend."
I remember her saying this to me. The words that feed through my mind, the burning in my heart, the aching in my back. I look back to see if this is really the same person, it is. Every stare, every expression, every pose, the person who once called me friend, now an enemy.
This isn't the first time. This is a repeated deja vu. A nightmare that follows my every step. Will I finally turn a corner where it can't? Will I finally lead where it cannot follow? Will I finally enter a room where I can close the door in it's face?
Trust is so easily taken advantage of, so easily broken. My trust, so easily discarded in the midst of this cloudy meadow. Will I ever see clearly? I think to myself. Will I ever be able to trust? So much feels unsure, so much anguish.
"I mean look at her."
Words still echoing through my now filling mind. Thoughts of who was once innocent and blameless, is now a plague infecting my life. Suddenly I scream.
How could you do this to me? I quickly turn my head from the pictures to those eyes. How could you hurt me? My eyes jolt to the floor. How could you make my heart bleed? My eyes closed as I listened to the now loud beating of what heart was left. You took my greatest fear and made it reality... I make a small grunt as I watch the rising and falling of my chest. HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME WHEN ALL I EVER DID WAS LOVE YOU?
I look back up at her picture, the very act sending vomit from my stomach to the back of my throat. Her in all her glory and perfection and me, sitting here holding my legs in my arms, huddled like a weak, sick child. She's everything I ever wanted to be and nothing I am. She's beauty and grace, exactly what's needed but unwanted. Where will I fit, now? I feel like there is no place to go, nowhere safe to hide all that is left.
"I mean, look at her."
Each picture flashing through my minds eye, analyzing every single one. She's beautiful, thin, curvy, silky smooth skin, blue eyes, blonde hair, something every man wants. What am I? I suddenly feel like I have lost every bit of identity left. Everything I used to classify myself has disintegrated and blown away with the wind. My world is dark, my clothes black, I stand on a rock cliff feeling the wind push my towards the edge, a cliff in the middle of the ocean, waves are crashing, calling to me, begging for me to answer. This place, so dark, I have been here many times before.
I shake my head and look into depths of darkness across me, a soul that no longer feels the way it once felt. I am not sure who this is, but whoever it was, was gone a long time ago. What's left is an empty shell of regret and guilt. How do I make it go away? I can't, all that is left now is to grow past this.
"Look at her."
The words repeat forceful and strong, this time they are in my voice. I argue. Why? Why do I look? It makes everything worse. Memories of an act, hatred, bitterness, anger, sadness, disrespect, unfaithfulness, distrust, all enveloping me in their caressing grasp. Please... I beg... Please leave me alone... I know if I surrender, this time I won't come back, I will be forever lost to this feeling, forever lost to this world and everything pure.
My life is lived in fear. The nightmares from this moment to now a constant reminder of a world that will accept me, but there is a price. A price I am not willing to pay. I look up through a watery glaze and pray. I pray that this hurt ends.
I feel a hand grasp my heart and hold, as I pull I feel the nails depend and leave gaping wounds. My breaths shorten, the tears fall, my body aches, my vision tunnels. I see no light and all I feel is cold, colder than ice. I start to see my breath in the air. It's presence is thick but short and heavy. My vision is growing darker, my eyelids growing heavier. With just words my world was so easily shaken, with false declarations my life as I once knew it was almost taken from me.
I feel my body jolt as if waking from a dream, an abrupt kick. Every conversation, every screen light holds questions. Is that her? Will she come back? Will she be accepted? Questions only time can answer.
I feel wind in my face, hands embracing my face, chest, arms, legs, lifting me into their grasp. Depression, sadness, grief, despair, agony, pain. Old friends accepting me into their arms as if I were a child being embraced by a loving mother.
My heart is racing, my palms sweaty, I am more scared than I have ever been in all of my life. Will I ever find my way through this maze? I am not as angry as I should be, but why? What purpose is there to be angry when the damage has been done and I have lost? Will she always win? I wonder to myself. She's like an addiction that just can't be let go.
I was once these things and so many more, where did I lose them? Where did they end and this other me begin? Will she ever be a forgotten memory?............ Will I ever be enough?
There's to much pressure to walk away, I'm drowning in it all. I try to come up for air but I just keep going, buried by all the weight of things that will no longer be the same. People will now look at me with sad eyes and wondering hearts. I feel weak, sick. All I want to do is retreat to a dark place and cry. Cry till my tears take all the memories with them, cry till there is no more left to sob over. I feel my features grow pale, my eyes dim and lose all vibrancy, I have lost all sense of time, all emotion, all senses.
I remember that smiling face, it makes my world spin, it makes all fear disappear, but not today. Today it gives false perceptions. I miss the familiar, I miss what once was, but there is no going back now. This has been done and it's all over. Why did I let her in? Why was it so easy? So many what's if and should have's flood my brain. I suddenly feel like I am coming off a high, I am hitting rock bottom. The past boils up into my mind. I release and fall back on the floor and curl up in a ball.
The shock has begun to set in. How can one person have so much power over our lives? Maybe it is because I am a giver, I gave and gave so much, till I realized I was giving more than was due to her.
My body starts to seize, my world continues to grow darker and I now feel blind. I shiver at the very coolness of my surroundings, the feeling of being submerged under ice. My body is swollen from violent crying and anger at what my life is now. I will always be known as that ignorant woman. The whispers, the stares from people who knew before but said nothing.
"Look at her." I feel my head jolt. "Look..." I turn my head again. The pictures flash like a projection across my mind. "Look at her. She's beautiful." I scream.
My eyes open at the shrill sound. The world is warm, sunny. Birds are chirping their song. I sit up and shake my head. Will this ever end? The war from within, will it ever end?